In the shadow of your caress
by tgmoxie
Summary: Buffy, down after running into newly-married Riley, is ready to move on from Spike and Doublemeat Palace.


TITLE: In the shadow of your caress   
AUTHOR: Theresa Verhaalen  
SPOILERS: Set immediately after the episode where she runs into Riley Finn.  
RATING: General audiences   
SUMMARY: Angsty feelings after she runs into her Initiative ex, Willow helps.  
ARCHIVE: Ask first  
FEEDBACK: Gleefully accepted, flames summarily staked.  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Riley Finn, married? Can you smell the angst? Not that I ever was a fan of those two being together.

Buffy smiled, holding her hands in front of her clasped together. She leaned into the corner of the bus station, relishing the coolness of steel as she pressed her forehead on it. Pain echoed in the back of her head, but it was more relief that she felt now. Her face was partially kissed by sunlight, the rest of her in shadow as cars and trucks whooshed by, busy on their way to somewhere.

"Hey stranger, mind if I join you?" Buffy turned her head. Willow sat there, beaming.

"Sure, be my guest." She sat down after a moment, stared at her hands, wondering if her shame would ever wash. The greasy scent of Doublemeat Palace rinsed away with soap, however with Spike nothing helped.

"So, ready to be a part of the demon's wedding?" she chuckled, throwing out her arms theatrically. It was amazing how much they had in common now. Buffy envied her friend for being able to deal with the addiction to magick so forthrightly.

"After last night, I think nothing else could shock me," Buffy replied, unsuccessfully keeping the sarcasm out of her voice. They both knew who she was referring to, the sudden return of Riley, and then if that wasn't enough to confuse the emotions, meeting his gorgeous able-bodied wife. "I wanted to tell him that I did try, I screamed after that helicopter as it took off, but after meeting the missus, what's the point?"

Willow nodded, feeling her friend's pain. "Well, for what it's worth, I think that you two were mismatched. And it's still pretty clear who's the lady of his heart." She nudged Buffy, who returned a sad smile. "So, why aren't you at work today?"

"I quit." Suddenly the tears came. "Willow, I need to tell you something, and you must promise to keep it secret." Her face contorted.

"Sure, are you allright?" The redhead's eyes flashed with concern.

Buffy met her gaze. "I had no right to come after you with self-righteous anger, I was living a hell of my own. Like you, I couldn't stop it, until last night. At least I can thank Riley for that, for helping me to realize-"

She stammered, lowering her eyes. "I've been with Spike."

"Oh." Willow's brows went up. "Ohhh.."

"Yeah." For other people, confessions brought relief. It wasn't forthcoming. "It's complicated. I didn't plan this. But like you, I'm drawn in." Her lips quivered.

"To the power, to the irresistible quality of darkness. You're not alone." Her friend took her hand. "It got me too. You and I had been sisters in a way. Always being responsible, the good ones. So we took a fork in the road and experimented. Now, we've seen the other side and can come back now."

Buffy pondered on this. "Just like Oz, you can cram complicated subjects into a single sentence." She smiled.

Around the corner, a wisp of smoke drifted. The pair didn't seem to notice.

"So, where do we go now? It's not like I can just lay this on Dawn and expect her to be sympathetic, yet Spike isn't known for his subtletyespecially when spurned." She flipped her head back dramatically.

Willow fidgeted. "Um, you have several choices here. Deny, deny, deny-and risk having evidence of the truth thrown in your face. Two, be completely honest, letting it all hang out, or three-and this is a bold maneuver-when confronted, say 'yeah, so? It's over with.' I'd personally recommend number three, as this would throw him off. He wouldn't expect you to be so direct." From the look on Buffy's face, the third option wasn't popular.

"Well, I must admit, I don't like those options, but I don't really have a choice in this matter. I made a mistake, I'm coming clean, I'll deal with the fallout." Her stomach was doing flip-flops just rehearsing it. She could just hear Anya's characteristic embarrassing remarks. But what would Angel think? Probably the same thing Riley did. No, hell no. He never ran with William the Bloody as a buddy. I don't think I could bear to see the pain in his eyes. 'How could you love him?' 'I didn't, Angel. I just used him for excitement.'

She clapped her hands to her face, rubbing the headache forming there. She saw Riley's face, the shock on his face, the humiliation on hers.

"Buffy? Is there something else?" Willow didn't want to pry, but it was clear there was more going on here.

"I just thought of Angel's reaction. It would be far worse than Riley's. At least he never associated with William. The ramificationsWill, I never loved him..uh..Spike. Never. I used him for sex. God, I can't believe I'm saying this."

A muffled curse shot out from around the corner. Then there was the sound of rapid footsteps away. Buffy looked in that direction.

"Uh, Will? I don't think we're alone." She rose and ran over to the quiet driveway of a local Chinese food restaurant, where the feeling had come from. It was the familiar deadness she experienced from a vampire's presence. Her eyes darted about, but the only thing she picked up was the strong scent of garlic. She looked down at the pavement..saw the cigarette, and knew: he had been here. Watching. Listening. Obsessing.  
"I think my options just changed," she said. Willow stared back, a sense of foreboding between them.

* * * * * *

The End

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